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Porkules
|Season = 4 |Antagonist = Ares, Discord |Setting = Corinth |In-Universe Date = Year 3 |Production # = V0322 |Filming Dates = 12 January to 20 January 1998 |Original Air-Date = |Written By = Alex Kurtzman Roberto Orci |Story By = |Teleplay By = |Directed By = Christopher Graves |Order in Series = 75 of 111 |Order in Season = 16 of 22 |Order in Franchise= 146 of 304 |Prev Episode in Series = "Yes, Virginia, There is a Hercules" |Next Episode in Series = "One Fowl Day" |Prev Episode in Franchise = "Forget Me Not" |Next Episode in Franchise = "One Fowl Day" |title cap image = }} Iolaus and Autolycus race to save Hercules after he is put on a butcher's chopping block following his transformation into a pig by Discord. Summary At Ares' temple, Ares is sitting around blowing up busts when Discord comes along. Discord wants to take Strife's place as Ares' second in command. She says she will surprise him and he will be so tickled, he will want her back. Hercules and Iolaus are on their way to visit Alcmene and Jason on their second anniversary. Hermes comes along and tells Hercules that someone stole Artemis' bow and she needs his help getting it back. Hercules suspects Autolycus and they head off to find him while Hermes goes to watch mud wrestling. Guards are bringing gold to some King's vault. One guard is left to guard the rest of the gold. He takes off his helmet and it is Autolycus. As he is helping himself to the gold, Hercules grabs his hand. Autolycus and Iolaus throw insults back and forth as Hercules tries to get Autolycus to tell him what happened to the bow. Autolycus says he sold it, but he will not tell who he sold it to. As they are talking, Discord appears with Artemis' bow and shoots Hercules. He turns into a pig. Autolycus and Iolaus argue some more. Autolycus describes the woman he sold the bow to and Iolaus figures out that it was Discord. Iolaus goes off to Ares' temple to find her, Hercules in tow. Ioluas tells Autolycus that Ares is involved, then Autolycus freaks out and tries to leave, but Iolaus talks sense into him. Ares and Discord, while watching all of this, plan to call Hercules "Porcules" then decide to have the porker hunted. Discord visits a dirty hunter named Clochis, starts flirting with him, as well as tells him to kill Porcules. While in the marketplace, people keep trying to buy Porkules, which makes Autolycus and Iolaus argue some more. A fight scene breaks out when Clochis tries to take the pig instead of actually killing him like Discord wanted Porkules even beats up some dogs because he is .... Porcules. He then runs into a cook. While being taken to his bacony death, he meets a piglet named Katherine. For a pig, she is smart: she knows all about Hercules. Iolaus and Autolycus decide to steal Hermes sandals while he is busy watching female mud wrestling by pretending to clean his feet. Autolycus puts on the sandals and flies away to save Porkules right before he turns into bacon. Porkules then frees all the other farm animals, but Katherine wants to go with him. The mortals find out they can communicate with Porkules through a talking bird. They plan to visit Alcmene and Jason. Alcmene faints when she finds out her son is a pig, but later excepts him and decides to eat less ham. Clochis shows up and starts to quote nursery rhymes. Katherine runs out to save Porkules but she gets taken away by Clochis. He takes her to Discord who gets mad that he made another mistake. Ares shows up and torches him into a little ash pile. While Ares and Discord are arguing, Autolycus flies in and tries to steal the bow, but gets caught. The bird gives the bow to Iolaus who shoots Discord, turning her into a chicken. Ares takes his chicken and tries to leave with a hint of manliness in him, but fails. Porkules tells Katherine that he will take her home. Iolaus shoots him and he turns into the regular Hercules. Iolaus and Autolycus show a hint of friendship, but they will not ever admit it. Hercules goes to take Katherine home. Disclaimer Hermes's wings were not clipped during the production of this motion picture. Gallery File:Porkules_01.jpg|Discord wants to be Ares' second in command File:Porkules_02.jpg|Hermes delivers a message File:Porkules_03.jpg|Hercules?! File:Porkules_04.jpg|Surrender! File:Porkules_06.jpg|Stealing from a god File:Porkules_07.jpg|I won't let anything happen to you File:Porkules_08.jpg|High horse File:Porkules_09.jpg|Family reunion Background Information * This is the first since "The King of Thieves" that Iolaus and Autolycus have come face-to-face. Iolaus references said episode when he mentions how Autolycus nearly got him executed. * Autolycus mentions the Trojan War – the end of which was shown in XWP: "Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts." * Per Discord, Ares is feeling down over Strife's death, which was seen in "Armageddon Now". * According to Iolaus, "...Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary." They were married in "The Wedding of Alcmene," which aired almost two years before this episode (April 29, 1996). * This is the only appearance of Hermes in the media franchise. * Autolycus refers to Iolaus as Cleopatra at one point. The King of Thieves met her in XWP: "The King of Assassins". * This was another Hercules lite episode due to Kevin Sorbo's illness. It is joked about in the episode "Yes, Virginia, There Is a Hercules." Memorable Quotations Autolycus: "Hercules! Ah, whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!" Hercules: "I wish I could say the same, Autolycus. Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you?" Autolycus: "How good of you to notice. You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just has to go back to basics. Besides, the king, ahh, he's plenty rich. What about the needs of the people?" Iolaus: "Oh, come on! You don't care about the people." Autolycus: "Of course, I do. I happen to be one of them. Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much. Good day." "Where's Artemis' bow?" "Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire." "Nope, like a bad rash." :–'Hercules', Autolycus and Iolaus "Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him. Besides, he loves being a pig. Just look at the little guy." pushes him up against a tree "This is all just a joke to you, isn't it?" "You little—" pushes him up against the tree again "Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Hercules is the best friend I ever had. And yeah, you're right, he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him, which is exactly why we're going to. Now, he'd do the same for me – even for you." "Well, much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point." "Right. Now, come on." "Just one more thing, buddy-boy. You touch me again and I'll—" "What?" "I'll… be just as upset then as I am now?" :–'Autolycus' and Iolaus "Yeah, you'd sell your own mother if the price was right." "You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie. I've had it up to my mustache with your insults." "The truth hurts, doesn't it?" "Yeah, so does my fist." :–'Iolaus' and Autolycus "Surrender!" "A wise move. Now, throw down your weapons and say you're sorry!" :–'Colchis' and Autolycus "You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound right about now." "Yeah, or maybe you'd'a sold him off to the highest bidder." "Ha-ha-ha. You've got me all wrong, Curly. You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even I'' won't do." "Like what?!" "Like… I won't drink red wine with fish." "Ah!" "I won't eat the horse I rode in on. And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you." :–'Autolycus''' and Iolaus Jason: "Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?" Iolaus: "Well—" Autolycus: "Allow me to explain. You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day, I ran into a gnome – a little fella—" Iolaus: "Will you shut up?!" "Two pigs. Two men – one walking with a heavier gait. He has something on his shoulder – a bird of some kind. And look, the sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates she can't keep her eyes off the pig on the right. Hercules! Shouldn't be far now." :–'Colchis' tracking the others "Hey! You're fired!" :–'Ares' before roasting Colchis "Unless you wanna be the god of gophers, you better make like a tornado and blow." "I won't forget this. You are on my list." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." :–'Iolaus' and Ares "I guess under different circumstances, we still would hate each other." "Yeah, well, for once I agree with you." "That's a start." :–'Autolycus' and Iolaus Links and References Guest Stars * Kevin Smith as Ares * Meighan Desmond as Discord * Bruce Campbell as Autolycus Co-Starring * Jeffery Thomas as Jason * Liddy Holloway as Alcmene * Chris Graham as Colchis * Murray Keane as Hermes * Ian Watkin as Butcher * Alan Farquhar as Vendor * Tim Marechal as Captain of Guards * Ralph Mauro as Quakkus (voice) * Victor Raider as Woolus (voice) * Cherry Davis as Millicent (voice) Uncredited * Alexandra Tydings as Katherine (voice) * Lou Rawls as Parrot (voice) References * Aphrodite * Artemis * Strife * Halls of War * Artemis' Bow * Hermes' Sandals Season Navigation de:Der Bogen der Artemis Category:HTLJ Season 4 episodes Category:Parody Episodes Category:Episodes Featuring Ares